When the lockdown was announced there were a number of things that went through my mind. First, I wished I had gone to my family in Australia before the borders had been closed. Second, I hoped that people wouldn’t go crazy, cause people do silly things when they’re panicking (I think the toilet paper craze highlighted that). And finally, could I make it through the lockdown all by myself? I have always been pretty introverted though I may not seem like it. I like talking to people, though that’s really limited to those who share similar perspectives or have really good stories. Otherwise I just feel drained if I’m in a social space for too long. So while this lockdown shouldn’t have seemed so daunting, what made it so difficult was the unknown. Would people be able to stick to the rules and not riot? How long would we have to be in lockdown for? And what will the world look like coming out on the other side?
I have lived my life knowing that no matter what challenges I face I will be alright. This probably comes from the fact that I was brought up within wairua, within a world of spirituality - which in its essence, to me, is a world without fear. Thus, while I went through stages of panic, anxiety, and at times hopelessness, there was a clear feeling that everything would be fine - that there was nothing to fear as long as I kept moving. So I got up in the morning - a little later than usual - and would sit down at my desk and work, often with a friend or my sister on Zoom. I would make sure to do my chores and go grocery shopping on the weekend. And it was these small things that helped to ground me in the present. Even when I would lie in bed and think “what is the point of getting up?”, I was able to get back to it - whether a day or two later - thinking only about what I needed to do that day and not on the last couple days of sadness or the unknown void looming ahead. Now at the other end of the lockdown, I can look back and know that everything that I went through needed to occur for my own growth. And so, moving into this post-lockdown world, I’ll continue walking as I have always done, knowing that everything will work out the way that it needs to, no matter the challenges we may face ahead.
Deanna Haami
Ngāti Tūwharetoa me Te Arawa
1st year PhD Psychology Student
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